We are always in a behavioral balance with people, and if we shift that balance, it forces them to shift. So, when you interact with someone, the first thing you must ask yourself is, “What do I want with this person?”

You must set a direction but beware of setting a negative direction. For example: “I don’t want to get angry. I don’t want them to misunderstand.” Negative directions are like driving a car in reverse while you look out the windshield at what you don’t want to hit. Once you know your direction, the next step is to pay attention. Are you getting what you want? What is working and what is not working?

Assume the other person is like a musical instrument and you are playing them with your behavior. The third step is simply to be flexible, meaning do something different. If you have no idea what to do, then anything you haven’t done is a good idea. After all, if what you are doing isn’t working, then you have a guarantee it’s not working. However, if you understand why people act the way they do, then it is easier to know how to be flexible with that person.

So, let’s examine behavior through the lens of understanding.

At any one moment, people have four intents operating within them: the intent to Get Things Done, to Get Things Right, to Get Along with People, and to Get Appreciated by People.

If a person is in a Get it Done mode, they will be focused on the task at hand and be more assertive. If things are not getting done and they perceive others as wasting time, they have a tendency to become more controlling (if they take over, then it will happen). Sometimes, the fact that they take over and move things forward is an advantage, but it really depends on how they take over. People can also go into what I call “the red zone”; and once there, their behavior is more destructive.

If someone thinks a situation is out of control, they can easily become a Tank. A Tank declares martial law and runs right over you. Life is simple to them. You are part of the solution or you are eliminated. They may rip you apart personally, but the irony is, “it’s nothing personal.” You just happen to be in the way of an end result, so you are eliminated.

However, control has other expressions. When people have suppressed resentment, Sniping is often the result. It is a bit subtler than the Tank in that their attack is hidden in put-down humor and sarcasm or simply may be behind your back.

A third controlling behavior is Know-it-All. They control through knowledge and know a lot, but they are closed-minded to everyone else’s possible contribution.

If we shift gears to the intent to Get it Right, we find people still focused on the task but less assertive because they have to slow things down to make sure all the details are covered. If people around them don’t pay attention to accuracy, then they can become perfectionists. They can even get to a point where no one, including themselves, can meet their high standard and begin to feel helpless or hopeless.

When people feel helpless, Whining results. When people feel hopeless, Negativity results. But what they both have in common is they speak in generalizations that “everything is wrong, nothing is right, and it’s always that way.”

These generalized problems drive everyone around them crazy, because the first step to problem solving is specifics. You can’t solve a generalization. Other people in the face of a high standard just get frustrated and give up. They say, “Fine, do it your way. Don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work out.” From that point, they become the Nothing person.

You also see Nothing behavior from a different motivation. Out of the intent to Get Along with People, if it isn’t happening, people start behaving in ways to get approval. So Nothing is a common result, since if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Agreeable Yes behavior also stems from this motivation. Out of the desire to please and get approval, people don’t consider their own needs but say yes to whatever anyone else wants.

Maybe behavior can also originate from this zone. When faced with a decision that could hurt someone’s feelings, they put it off until it is too late.

Shifting mental gears, we move to the intent to Get Appreciated by People. Here, the focus is on people, and behavior tends to be more assertive because what goes hand-in-hand with appreciation is a desire to contribute to others. But if they are not getting the appreciation they feel they deserve, behavior becomes more attention-getting and, before you know it, you may be dealing with a Grenade.

The Grenade is the temper tantrum. It is different from a Tank attack in that the Tank is focused on a person and you know what the issue is. When a Grenade blows up, it does so in 360 degrees, indiscriminately and everyone goes. You are more likely to hear things like, “It’s the government’s fault!” “That’s the problem with the world today,” and other statements that make no sense given the present circumstances. A Tank demands action. A Grenade demands attention.

What we also see out of a need for attention is another kind of sniper: friendly fire. These are people who like you and use put-down humor as a way of showing their affection. Another behavior with an extreme need for attention is Think-They-Know-it-All behavior. Here you have someone acting like they know what they are talking about but they don’t.

Tank, Sniper, Know-it-all, Think-They-Know-it-All, Grenade, Yes person, Maybe person, Nothing person, No person and Whiner are the top 10 problem behaviors people face. But the good news is communication is like a phone number and there is a “right number” behaviorally that you can dial to pull people out of their stress response and back into the normal zone of behavior. 

Detailed strategies for all 10 behaviors are available in Dr. Brinkman’s book: “Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst,” published by McGraw-Hill. It is available at most bookstores or online at www.rickbrinkman.com.